The Hidden Benefits (and Loss) of Roommates

Stephanie Wismer

Director of Residential Life

If you have ever lived with a roommate, you have a story. Perhaps that story is one that sparked a lifelong friendship, or simply one that you lament and laugh over every few years at family gatherings. I have both. I infamously turned my first roommate experience into a slightly melancholy piano ballad, which multiple college friends of mine have requested I record for them. On the other hand, my second roommate was the Matron of Honor in my wedding. As a former college housing officer and current Director of Residential Life at Andrews Osborne Academy, I have collected others’ roommate stories for nearly a decade, and have seen first-hand how this experience can benefit students. And yet, I have never received a request more than this one: “I want a single room”.  

In the Covid era, boarding schools and colleges across the country have shifted their assignment practices to maximize single rooms out of necessity. We want a student’s “bubble” to be as small as possible to limit the spread of the virus. In essence, the pandemic has forced a trial run of what happens when many students get the rooming experience they thought they wanted, but perhaps not the one they needed. 

In my practical experience, there are few dynamics more indicative of how a student’s first year of college will go than their roommate relationship. The data supports this observation, as several studies have demonstrated. In a survey published in 2017 by Skyfactor, college students with roommates reported higher peer connections, social integration, and a higher GPA than those living in single rooms. A 2014 study out of George Mason University similarly underscored the important links between roommate relationships and student success and well-being. Successfully navigating a roommate relationship can lead to greater personal growth, enhanced social wellness, and improved ability to cope with academic demands. Simply put, even a mild social connection can have a massive impact.

Unfortunately, as the pandemic has persisted, students around the world have experienced significant and prolonged periods of isolation. A 2020 study from the University of Bath found that more than half of high school-aged students experienced some or significant increases in loneliness and isolation during the pandemic. Some psychologists believe these feelings will persist even after lockdowns end and the world reopens. In my experience, isolation begets isolation. This year, millions of students were not afforded the luxury of a roommate, a live peer to see and be seen by on a daily basis. After periods of isolation, instead of seeking out opportunities for social connection, many students continue to crave solitary time. In a post-isolation world, roommates have the potential to reinvigorate each other’s feelings of social connection, a critical aspect of their health that many have been forced to neglect. 

Without a doubt, the pandemic has presented challenges to mental health, and yet, I have never witnessed more resilience from a community than I have seen at AOA this year. Unlike many residential schools, we welcomed back our boarding students in August with a commitment to house them without interruption as part of our Year-Round Care Pledge. We instituted daily health screenings, navigated ever-evolving quarantine guidance, coordinated student medical appointments and testing, and have recently been able to expand our activity offerings, all without disrupting our students’ ability to learn in a hybrid model. Our Residential Curriculum has also been reconfigured to better prepare boarders to live with others and manage their anxiety around the college transition whenever possible. In a year without roommates, our students continue to learn what it means to live in a community, and see conflict resolution and restorative justice practices first-hand. The moments when a student feels part of and invested in a group have never been more meaningful or important. 

Whether your student is heading to college in the fall, or simply set to resume in-person learning in the near future, I cannot emphasize enough the value of daily in-person connection. While your student may wish to avoid the awkward dynamics that can arise when sharing a room, as we have reviewed, it is overwhelmingly to their benefit to opt into this experience. When it is safe to do so, AOA will resume a wide range of additional practices designed to help students overcome loneliness and restore a sense of connection to the wider world. Most important among these will be the resumption of providing every student the opportunity to have a roommate. And thus, the tradition of gathering roommate stories will continue on.

 

For those seeking further advice from a former collegiate housing officer regarding the college transition, I have shared some of my top tips for students and parents below.

For Students:

Establish a routine now and take your self-care seriously. Most young adults do not know what to do with the excess time they have after high school. That lack of routine impacts their ability to focus, eating and sleeping schedules, and overall ability to function at their best in college. Schedule time for studying, exercising, relaxing, and yes, even sleep. Take those scheduled times as seriously as your school schedule and extracurricular activities. Students who take care of themselves will always outpace those without that same balance.

Ask questions and seek out resources upon arrival! The most successful college students advocate for themselves. Between time and financial management training, success coaching, study tips, and counseling sessions, there is so much available for free on college campuses and in the surrounding communities to support you.

Your college roommate does not need to be your best friend. In fact, in most cases, it is more beneficial if they are not. Your college roommate needs to be someone that you can live well with. Often, that has more to do with when they go to sleep and their noise level preferences than how many friendship boxes they check off.

Conflict is inevitable. Too many first-year students request room changes to avoid conflict and those students typically end up more unhappy than they were to begin with. Before the honeymoon period is over with your new roommate(s), have an honest conversation about how you plan to share space throughout the year. Although it may add to your anxiety in the short-term, this is a best practice that will make life much easier down the road!

Discomfort and personal growth often go together. Please do not measure your success in college (or high school) by how comfortable you can become. Students who only surround themselves with similar, like-minded people and only experience things they already know they like will not grow as much as those who challenge themselves to step outside their comfort zone. Your college may be the most diverse community you have ever lived in, and the more you expose yourself to different people and perspectives, the more you will transform yourself. This is not to take away from the importance of self-care or finding affinity space, but a reminder to embrace discomfort and be open to the wonderfully diverse world we live in!

For Parents and Advocates:

Ask questions and listen. I can understand wanting to solve problems for your child, but what they often need is to feel empowered to advocate for themselves and seek out their own solutions. College is about starting that transition to independence. If they tell you they are upset with how something is going, you can first support what they’ve said with a statement like, “I can see why you feel that way” and then ask a follow up question like, “Have you shared this with anyone at the school?”

Remind them they are not alone. It can take awhile to find true friends, and feeling lonely or homesick during these times is very normal. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is to remind your student that they are not alone, and that there is a long list of people at their school that are there to support them. This list may include their RA or another student leader, Hall Director, Advisor, or counselors on campus, depending upon what they need.

There is no “best” residence hall on campus and your student will learn to wake up on their own. For the record, no college I have worked for has ever had a “best” residence hall. In my experience, some of the happiest and most tight-knit communities were formed in older buildings with cinder block walls and community bathrooms. If your student has a good relationship with their roommate, the shape, size and age of their room will quickly become inconsequential to their happiness. Regarding my other note above, I promise you that no college administrator I’ve ever known would agree to wake your child up every morning. Just make sure they have a loud alarm and let them take it from there!