Stephanie Wismer
Andrews Osborne Academy Director of Residential Life
“My child cannot live with that student. They’re just too different.”
“My child needs a single room because having a roommate will be too much change for them.”
“My child needs to live in a specific building because I’ve heard students who live there are happier.”
“My child needs help waking up for class. Can you pop by their room every morning and make sure they don’t sleep through their alarm?”
OK, that last one was just once, but it was memorable! As a former college administrator, I received requests like these from parents of first-year students every year. You may say, “No way!” I can assure you, this is the reality. Others may think, “Helicopter parents! They need to back off!” The purpose of this post is not to shame these parents. I empathize deeply with parents of high school seniors and first-year college students because many of them have one thing in common: they are afraid. Truthfully, why wouldn’t they be? The transition from high school to college is one of the most difficult and all-encompassing transitions students will ever experience. Parents are worried about their child’s ability to manage, adapt, and ultimately, be successful. In my experience, students worry about these same things.
Over the last decade, I have worked in multiple areas of student affairs including admissions, career services, financial aid and university housing. Every year, I witnessed more students struggle with balance and mental health during their first year. In my most recent role supporting a residential campus of 6,000 students, it was evident how quickly transition anxiety can become debilitating. There is a lot of research that explains why the current generation of college applicants, referred to as “Generation Z”, is experiencing more anxiety around the college transition than any generation before them. I will summarize by saying this generation of students is stressed about things both within and outside their control, and experiencing what Psychology Today described as, “A narrowing definition of life success leading to destructive perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking,” (Hibbs & Rostain, 2018). Although schools try to prepare their students for the next step academically, very few students are adequately prepared for life outside of the classroom.
Today, I serve as the Director of Residential Life for Andrews Osborne Academy, with oversight of 6th-12th grade boarding students from all over the world. Having seen where our students will end up, our Residential Curriculum has been designed to better prepare boarders for this transition and manage their anxiety whenever possible. Our students learn how to live in a community, develop healthy habits, act with greater independence, communicate across difference, and elevate their academic success. Our Houseparents, Faculty Fellows and Proctors all contribute to this mission by fostering meaningful relationships with students, facilitating activities with their houses, and serving as additional sources of support.
Whether or not you have access to a boarding and/or an international community before college, I have some advice for students and parents to ease the transition:
For Students:
Establish a routine now and take your self-care seriously. Most young adults do not know what to do with the excess time they have after high school. That lack of routine impacts their ability to focus, eating and sleeping schedules, and overall ability to function at their best in college. Schedule time for studying, exercising, relaxing, and yes, even sleep. Take those scheduled times as seriously as your school schedule and extracurricular activities. Students who take care of themselves will always outpace those without that same balance.
Ask questions and seek out resources upon arrival! The most successful college students advocate for themselves. Between time and financial management training, success coaching, study tips, and counseling sessions, there is so much available for free on college campuses and in the surrounding communities to support you.
Your college roommate does not need to be your best friend. In fact, in most cases, it is more beneficial if they are not. Your college roommate needs to be someone that you can live well with. Often, that has more to do with when they go to sleep and their noise level preferences than how much friendship boxes they check off.
Conflict is inevitable. Too many first-year students request room changes to avoid conflict and those students typically end up more unhappy than they were to begin with. Before the honeymoon period is over with your new roommate(s), have an honest conversation about how you plan to share space throughout the year. Although it may add to your anxiety in the short-term, this is a best practice that will make life much easier down the road!
Discomfort and personal growth often go together. Please do not measure your success in college (or high school) by how comfortable you can become. Students who only surround themselves with similar, like-minded people and only experience things they already know they like will not grow as much as those who challenge themselves to step outside their comfort zone. Your college may be the most diverse community you have ever lived in, and the more you expose yourself to different people and perspectives, the more you will transform yourself. This is not to take away from the importance of self-care or finding affinity space, but a reminder to embrace discomfort and be open to the wonderfully diverse world we live in!
For Parents and Advocates:
Ask questions and listen. I can understand wanting to solve problems for your child, but what they often need is to feel empowered to advocate for themselves and seek out their own solutions. College is about starting that transition to independence. If they tell you they are upset with how something is going, you can first support what they’ve said with a statement like, “I can see why you feel that way” and then ask a follow up question like, “Have you shared this with anyone at the school?”
Remind them they are not alone. It can take awhile to find true friends, and feeling lonely or homesick during these times is very normal. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is to remind your student that they are not alone, and that there is a long list of people at their school that are there to support them. This list may include their RA or another student leader, Hall Director, Advisor, or counselors on campus, depending upon what they need.
There is no “best” residence hall on campus and your student will learn to wake up on their own. For the record, no college I have worked for has ever had a “best” residence hall. In my experience, some of the happiest and most tight-knit communities were formed in older buildings with cinder block walls and community bathrooms. If your student has a good relationship with their roommate, the shape, size and age of their room will quickly become inconsequential to their happiness. Regarding my other note above, I promise you that no college administrator I’ve ever known would agree to wake your child up every morning. Just make sure they have a loud alarm and let them take it from there!
